messy thirties club

I can fix it, no really I can

I know what you’re thinking, lovely – what the hell is she getting at?! Giving up control when everything around you is literally burning to the ground? Just stand there and watch the flames when you know there’s a bucket of water right next to you? Why not just throw it on the fire?

But here’s the thing: there’s only so much water, and the fire is huge. Even if you run back and forth and keep refilling the bucket, it won’t be enough. The flames will continue to grow – hungry, relentless.

So why are you still standing there, trying to control the uncontrollable instead of saving yourself? Why do you exhaust yourself trying to put out a fire that isn’t yours? It’s like putting on everyone else’s oxygen mask first. And we all know how that ends, don’t we?

If there’s something wrong it has to be me

I learned this lesson the hard way. And if I’m honest, I’m still learning. Letting go of control doesn’t come naturally to me. I care – deeply. About my family, my friends, my work. I’ve told myself that if I just try a little harder, things will fall into place.

• If I overdeliver, my boss will finally see my worth and give me that promotion.
• If I love a little harder, my situationship will wake up one day and think, Wow, she’s the one.
• If I just make myself a little less “me”, my “friends” would say, You are the perfect friend.

But here’s the truth: there will always be a next thing. A next expectation. A next step. And if you don’t stop running, if you don’t learn when to let go, you’ll spend your whole life trapped in a cycle that never actually leads to freedom. And the worst thing is – it’s not somebody else that is keeping you trapped but your own inner insecure voice or ego afraid of losing.

What others feel is more valid than what I need

I had come to a point where I had stopped holding people accountable and only saw my own shortcomings. If things weren’t working, it must be me, right? I made excuses for guys that couldn’t commit, for fake friends, for my job, for everything – except myself. And that perspective? It’s the most draining thing in the world.

Instead of being the main character in my own life, I became the supporting act. I tried to be liked by everyone, but in the process, I lost myself.

• A job that killed my work-life balance and made me insecure? At least it was prestigious.
• Chasing a guy who didn’t know how he felt about me? At least I had someone and wasn’t “alone”.
• Friendships where I couldn’t be authentic? At least I was hanging out with the “cool” kids.

No matter what it takes, I’m not a quitter

Why does quitting something always feel like failure? Rejection is redirection – we all probably know the phrase, but to me, it always felt hollow. Like an excuse for people who just weren’t trying hard enough.

So, I held on tighter. Tried harder. Because deep down, I thought, If I let go, that means I wasn’t good enough to make it work.

But then, something shifted.

When I told my therapist about this, she just looked at me and said, Wow, that must be exhausting. And suddenly, I saw it for what it was.

Exhausting.

Draining my energy. Stealing my focus. Keeping me trapped in my head.

If there were a degree for understanding others, I would have a PhD. I analyze them to the core – some I may even know better than they know themselves. But has it helped? No.

Because no matter how much I cared, how much I gave, how much I understood, it didn’t change the fundamental truth: Their behavior was never about me. It had to come from them.

Taking control of your narrative

Does anybody really know what they want? I honestly doubt it. But we still have to make choices, and hold others accountable for theirs. I realized that if you don’t actively make a choice, you’re still making it. There’s a saying that goes like this: The best choice is the right one, the second best is the wrong one, and the worst is not choosing at all.

Sometimes we feel like passive victims, controlled by others, by our fears or other emotions. We feel unable to commit to anything because it means closing some doors and going into the unknown. But it is only when you begin to take control of your story that you move forward. Only by making decisions and learning new things do we grow. And we have to make that choice for ourselves.

Here’s what I wish I had internalized earlier: No matter what you do or say, no matter how much you care, analyze, or give – you only have control over yourself. What others do is entirely up to them.

Letting go is not a failure. It is the best choice in life.

By choosing yourself over what others think of you, you take back your power. You learn to trust yourself. You don’t need validation from others.

Taking control of your own narrative

I used to believe that holding on meant I was proving my worth. That if I just tried harder, I’d finally be enough.

But I see it differently now. Holding on to things that no longer serve you isn’t proof of worth – it’s a fear of losing worth. And this fear is pulling you down – really sucking you dry of whatever energy you have left.

I am starting to realize, the more I let go, the lighter I feel. Instead of fighting windmills, I’m learning to move with the flow, to save my energy for what truly matters. And also give others the opportunity to step up or show me what I mean to them.

Last summer, when I was really struggling, I read this quote in The Courage to Be Disliked which has been really eye-opening to me:

“The desire for recognition is probably a natural desire. So are you going to keep rolling downhill in order to receive recognition from others? Are you going to wear yourself down like a rolling stone, until everything is smoothed away? When all that is left is a little round ball, would that be ‘the real I’? It cannot be.”

I don’t want to be a smoothed-out little ball. I don’t want to roll down the hill passively trying to accommodate everyone else. I want to stop rolling, get back up the hill and be me.

What real freedom is

On a Sunday in late August, I was on a train back from Berlin. I had just had a really fun weekend with super inspiring conversations with a girl I had just met that had loosened a knot in my brain somehow and already made me feel clear. I was dreading Monday – dreading another week at a job I hated, just waiting for Friday to come.

And then I heard Change by Sarah Connor:
“Just trust in yourself. Don’t be no one else ‘cause I believe that nobody can keep you from just making a change. “

And that was it. I knew I was done. So I decided there and then that I would quit my job.

Life is too short to live for Fridays. Too short to waste time trying to convince others of your worth. Too short to settle for “almost” or “never enough”. Life is about being yourself, unapologetically, and living your most authentic truth. If we’re lucky, we get 90 summers – so now is as good a time as any to choose what you really want. Because that is true happiness.

Hard choices = easy life

Choosing yourself means breaking free from the sunk cost fallacy – the trap of holding on just because you already have invested so much.

But don’t be fooled. You’ll have to choose yourself over and over again. And sometimes it’s still brutally hard. Sometimes it even feels impossible. It’s not a one-time decision that you suddenly master forever. No, it’s a struggle. Your mind will try to pull you back into old patterns because that’s what’s familiar. But every time you choose yourself over someone else’s opinion or expectation – you win. And every time you win, you grow stronger. Each time you learn a little more about trusting yourself, about surrendering to the process.

And let me tell you, trusting the process? Trusting yourself? It’s life-changing.

Every day I stand on my own – not just survive, but thrive – I prove I am enough. Instead of trying to fill the void with other people’s approval, I am learning to fill it with something real: joy, fulfillment, happiness that comes from within.

So don’t get me wrong – it’s hard as hell. But it’s worth it. Every single time.

There’s a quote that says, “Easy choices = hard life. Hard choices = easy life.” And I feel that to my core. So the next time you’re standing at a crossroads, doubting yourself, thinking you can’t do it – fight. At first, I thought I had to put out the fire. I fought to fix it, to make it right. But now, I see the truth: Sometimes, the best thing you can do is walk away and start fresh – somewhere the fire can’t reach you.

I know I’m not telling you anything new—the let them theory is everywhere these days. But hearing about it and actually putting it into practice? Two completely different things.

“So the next time you’re doubting yourself, remember: Letting go isn’t failure—it’s freedom.

I know this journey isn’t easy. What has helped you choose yourself? Let’s talk about it.

Much love,
Toni x